They say sometimes you have to go back in order to move forward.  When I began thinking about the inaugural Dear DIDI article there were many options, but in reality there was only one… to answer the girl who had asked actress Pamela Anderson for advice many years ago who inspired the idea of Dear DIDI, a culturally sensitive advice column to provide her with an answer.

As seen in Elle Canada, September 2004:

Dear Pam:  I’m from a culture where we have arranged marriages.  The person I’m supposed to get married to is a part-time doctor and a student.  He says that he really loves me, but I can’t decide if I love him or not.  He’s very reluctant to tell me much about himself or his background.  In fact, he doesn’t want me to visit his hometown or spend much time with his family.  I feel trapped by my family’s expectation that I marry him, and I fear that I don’t really know what I’m getting into.  Help!  TRAPPED*

Pam’s Answer:

Dear TRAPPED:  Arranged marriages? Still? How archaic.  Although I love tradition, I think most women really want to be madly in love when they marry someone.  You can be respectful of your family’s customs without having to follow them.  Make yourself happy; it’s 2004!

I personally thought that Pam’s response was dismissive and she fixated on the “arranged marriages” part while not really addressing the issues of which the girl needed advice.  She had never faced this situation before and she was asking how she should handle it.  She never really got an answer and that is what upset me… someone reaching out and not getting any answers.  Dear DIDI will shift through everything, focus on the real issues and provide support and understanding of someone who has been there before…

Dear DIDI’s Answer:

Dear TRAPPED:  Marriage is a legal contract between two people and in the South Asian culture, often a lifelong commitment.  Therefore, it is important for you to have a voice and make yourself heard right from the beginning.  You are being perfectly reasonable to expect more information from your prospective life partner prior to marriage.  And the idea for you to get to know his family is a smart one since they will be the ones to help make the transition into a new family much easier.  Arranged marriages in the Western world have many variants and it looks like your engagement allows some communication between you two to take place prior to the wedding.  Use this time to ask all your questions and be satisfied with your answers before you proceed.  And don’t rush to use the word love until you are ready, instead try defining it for yourself and asking your fiancé what his definition of love is to make sure that you are on the same page.  We all see examples of marriages that work out very well, some reasons are because there are a common sense of values, respect and communication which can help build a strong foundation for a relationship.  Lastly, although the pressures from the family may make you feel trapped – remember in life we always do have a choice.  

Ironically prior to coming across this Q&A, we faced a similar situation in our family.  My eldest niece was getting married and she had a long engagement with her fiancé.  He had met all the family that lived in Vancouver, but he was curious to see where my niece was born and raised – her hometown.  At the time, most of my fairly traditional family still lived in this small northern BC town.  It was unheard of for the fiancé to come and visit prior to marriage.  My eldest sister & husband were uncomfortable with the situation and they said NO, as did my parents (the grandparents).  I pointed out to all of them, that in our South Asian culture upon marriage, once the girl leaves and goes to her husband’s house that family is to become her family – and her priority.  I said that it would be a good idea for her future husband to also form a strong bond with our family so that there was no division… no my and your family, but only our family.  They both agreed and he came to visit.  To this day, you can see the closeness that was formed between him and all the large extended family that he married into that all stared with that visit.

These are just a couple of examples of how South Asians face the delicate balancing act of paying homage to their culture while striving to build their life in a Western world.  It’s not always easy and sometimes all you need is someone to confide in, ask questions of or to learn from… a coach, mentor and friend.  A Dear DIDI.  I look forward to hearing from and being here for you!

By Kulbinder Saran Caldwell, CPC

Twitter: @DearDIDI_KSC   www.reallifetalks.com